MEANWHILE, IN LONDON…
You may be asking about now what happened to Uther? Well, even if you’re not, I’m going to tell you: Uther’s reign continued and was pretty uneventful. It turned out that having a sane and mostly decent king rocked for Briton’s stability.
Uther and Igraine didn’t have any more kids. Speaking of: Igraine had a daughter from her first marriage—Morgause—who married King Lot of Orkney right after Arthur was born. Morgause and Lot had a few kiddos of their own, and they also looked after her foster sister, Morgan le Fey. But more on that later.
After a few years, Uther got sick. Like, really sick. Like, Dark-Ages-Health-Standards-Are-Shit-and-a-Hangnail-Can-Kill-You sick.
On realizing he couldn’t put off death forever, Uther summoned Merlin to ask: “What’s going to happen to the kingdom when I die? You sort of peaced out with my only kid.”
Merlin—who had seen some shit—considered this for some time. At last, he said, “I’ll take of it, bro.”
Who could Uther and Igraine’s kid possibly be??? Such question. Many mystery.
MEANWHILE, IN SAN FRANCISCO…
A gnome named Chris Arr met an unfortunate fate. That’s all you need to know, and we will never speak of this again.
MEANWHILE, IN THE GOLBIN KINGDOM…
Ralph the Goblin led Kay and Arthur deep within the Goblin Kingdom. As they walked through the Goblin Kingdom, Kay couldn’t help but notice a sense of sadness among those they passed. The other goblins did not seem to mind the two boys passing through—but on the occasion that Kay met a crust-filled gaze or heard a wheezing sigh, it was filled with a sorrow that he couldn’t begin to fathom.
At last, Ralph brought them to the Goblin Palace: a brown mottled toadstool with moss-covered doors and windows the color of a winter sunset before it snows. Kay and Arthur stretched their necks and still couldn’t see the top.
The stench of burnt cheese puffs filled the inside of the palace. Ralph took them through a winding series of corridors until they came to a vast throne room.
The room was filled with representatives from across the Faerie and spirit kingdoms, including: Fey, Korrigan, Brownies, Pixies, Sprites, Seelies, Selkies, Kelpies, Corgis, Valkyries, Dryads, Naiads, Elves, Leprechauns, Clurichauns, That Weird Guy from Finance, Gnomes, Dwarves, Bridge Trolls, Internet Trolls, Goblins, Moblins, Keese, Fire Keese (motherfuckers), Imps, Djinn, Ice Ifrits, Fire Ifrits, Marid, Banshees, Baobhan Sith, Sith Lords, Simon from the London Office, Like-Likes, Unicorns, Will-o-the-wisps, Wag-by-the-ways, Move-bitch-get-out-the-ways, Basic Bitches, Bean-tigh, Grugach, Tomtra, and Feetlebaum.
They all stopped and stared at Ralph and the boys.
“If this is a bad time,” Arthur whispered to Ralph, “we can come back.”
Kay nodded in agreement.
“Nah, we’re good,” Ralph said. “Come on.”
Perched upon a shimmering beryl throne and the far end of the throne room was the Goblin King: other than his pointed ears and pointed teeth, he looked nothing like the other goblins. He was handsome, with cheekbones that could cut glass and eyes that changed color and abs of actual fucking steel. I mean, I could go on but the one thing you need to know is that all the Goblin Kings are always hot as fuck. Trust me. In fact, let me google that for you. You’re welcome.
Anywho, Ralph and the boys stood before the Goblin King’s throne. Kay and Arthur, who were trained in courtly manners, bowed deeply.
“What manner of creature do you bring before me?” the Goblin King asked.
Ralph scratched at his armpit, sniffed it once, and then said: “Human children, your Redolence. I returned from the realm of the Unseelie only to find myself caught in a trap. These children saved my life.”
“Then please come closer, human children,” the Goblin King said.
Kay and Arthur obeyed and approached closer. Here, at last, Kay understood the sadness he saw outside the palace, and why there were so many fucking creatures in the throne room. The Goblin King was dying.
The Goblin King regarded them, his eyes flickering from blue to orange. “Fate brought you here.”
“Actually, is was Ralph,” Arthur said.
Kay punched his arm. “Shut up!”
The Goblin King paid this no heed. “My name is Chad. You have done a great service to my people, for Ralph is my son and will be King when I am gone.”
“Wait, him?” Kay asked, glancing to where the other goblin dug around in his pants.
“Indeed. He is handsome now, but upon ascension to the throne will be transformed into a hideously sexy and poised creature. Alas, I cannot alter this curse. Howe’er, I can and must thank you for your good deed. Henceforth, you may both consider yourselves friends of Goblin-kind. Should you ever find yourself in danger, you may call us and we shall come to your aid.”
Kay and Arthur bowed again, both touched by Chad the Goblin King’s kindness. “Though we are but lowly page-boys, we are honored by your generosity,” Kay said.
Seriously, who could that masked man be?
A man suddenly appeared next to Chad’s throne. Kay was sure he recognized him, but couldn’t place where—the man seemed to resemble the poor beggar that sometimes came to Sir Ector’s castle. “Yo, Chad, I got to take these two back,” he said.
Chad held up a finger. “One moment more, if you please. It is my time.”
He closed his eyes. He gurgled and drooled, and with that, died.
A mighty chorus surged through the throne room, voiced by the power of Whitney Houston, Céline Dion, ‘90s Mariah Carey, and Adele. It was the most beautiful sound Kay ever heard. He wiped away his tears with his sleeve and turned before his brother could see him cry.
He caught sight of Ralph as he did. The new Goblin King already grew to twice his old size, and his skin cleared as Kay watched.
“Oh, shit,” Ralph said, looking down at his changing body.
The beggar—for Kay was sure by now that the man that appeared moments before King Chad’s death was the same guy—soon took Kay and Arthur from the Goblin Palace.
After the requisite glitter and three or so minutes of “Thunderball,” the boys found themselves in a field not far from Sir Ector’s castle. Barely an hour had passed.
The beggar turned to them said, “I have to go, but before I do, a warning: do not go unaccompanied into the Faerie world again, and do not speak of this day to anyone.”
And then the beggar disappeared in a puff of smoke.
